Sometimes I do wonder...

So today I had to go to the Fas office about a course I had signed up for.

Only it wasn't the actual course I had signed up for. No no no, they cancelled that.

They sent me a letter but I didn't get it. It (probably) went to the building next door but the postman seems incapable of understanding that it's vacant.

[Back in November I told them I was having problems with post and changed my postal address on their ''system'' to that of my folks. Mum's good with post. It's filed in no order whatsoever behind the biscuit tin that may or may not be occupied by dad's favourite type of fruit cake. It doesn't move. She's good like that. ''A place for everything and everything in it's place.''. The place for post is behind the biscuit tin.]

So I walked into their office and asked if the course was still going ahead as I hadn't received a letter and if they did send me one it may have been delivered to the wrong address as that had been happening a lot but that's why when I signed up for the course I had given them my folk's address. (I spared them the biscuit tin story at this juncture - she didn't look like the kind of civil servant who would understand my mother's need to hide correspondence behind tins that may or may not contain baked goods)

-''We sent you a letter''

Yes, sorry about that but I didn't get it. Is the course still going ahead?

-"A letter went out to you"

Yeah, I didn't get it though. Is it still going ahead? Cause it was meant to start next week.

-"Yeah well this was all in the letter"

Oh? Sorry, what was in the letter?

-"We sent you out a letter"

Now I'm not normally a violent person. I've never intentionally done another human any harm. (Ok well there was that loud American who was taking the piss out of a guy in a wheelchair at an ATM once, about 12 years ago, but I only kicked her in the shin and besides even her mates came up to me afterwards and congratulated me. I think they may have ''high 5'ed'' me too but the memory is hazy).

But seriously.... was there a box on the application form for her job that said ''Do you enjoy annoying the FUCK out of the people who we are employing you to assist?''

The conversation went on in the same manner for over 40 minutes.

Is there an alternative course that I could do to fill the gaps in my previous training and qualifications?

-''Well yes there is but this was all outlined in the letter we sent out to you''

20 minutes later I find out that there IS an alternative course I could do. 10 minutes after that I glean that there is an information session about this course in this very building. Whoopdeedoo. I can see the light. And it only took a fucking hour.

So if I do the short 6 week course it will:

1 - not actually result in any recognised qualification.
2 - require me to sign off the live register for the duration.
3 - affect my rent allowance entitlement due to me not receiving a social welfare payment.
4 - require me to sign back ON to the live register after 6 weeks, which will mean that it will take anything up to six weeks for my social welfare payments to resume.

If I had had a gun it would not have been to the temple of the brainless twat of a civil servant I would have put it to.

It would have been my own.

Time wasting tip #1

Take twice as long to do every day tasks.

Showering is a good one (assuming you still consider personal hygiene a must-do now that you're redundant) - you can easily stretch this out to waste time.

I played a game of X's and O's with myself using the condensation on the shower door today.

I lost.

Forward spatial planning was never my strong point.

Other every day tasks that can be strung out to whittle away jobless hours include:

Hoovering: Why bother doing this quickly?! Get down on your hands and knees and pick up every speck of dust with your fingers. This will last a considerable amount of time and you have the added bonus of doing your back in - with a bit of luck you will be rendered bed-ridden for at least a day in agony - a day in the bed is a day saved from the rigours of real-life!!!!

Cleaning out the fridge: A great one - but be careful not to just remove everything, clean the shelves, throw away anything that pongs and put everything else back in. Make sure you take things out one at a time, read the label and ingredients. Reminisce about where when and why you bought said item (why did I buy that jar of Loganberry jam in Ikea again???). Put combinations of almost gone-off-but-not-yet-quite-poisonous ingredients into google and see what possible meals you can rustle up. Arrange jars in order of colour or size on the worktop. You could even get out a spoon and see if you've produced a viable mini drum kit. Now to the cleaning. Make sure you spend at least 20 minutes searching through youtube to see if some crazy American has posted a how-to video on fridge cleaning. Take enough time to choose your cloth/sponge and cleaning agent. For extra kudos you could google recipes for making your own cheaper cleaning stuff. Once it's all spick and span just check the clock to see if you have wasted an adequate amount of time. If you feel you haven't, you can always do it again tomorrow.

Who's to know?

So - erm...what??

So, ok we know you've been redundant. We get that. But why have you gone to the bother of setting up a blog and telling us about it? Jesus woman we have other things we could be doing right now.

In the past 10 months I've been surfing.

Not surfing in the original sense - hey I can't swim and besides my balance is drunken even when I'm sober.

No - I mean surfing. Through. Time, life, whatever you want to call it.

It actually scared seven colours of shite out of me when I realised that it was so long since I was made jobless.

Ten whole months??!! In all that time I could have done so much. If only one of the [138 and counting] jobs I have applied for came through I would be... well... better off yeah sure - but would I have been any further ''on''.

I suddenly realised that for the last 10 months I've been on PAUSE MODE. Like someone went to answer the phone during my life a year ago but never came back to watch how I end.

Well I'm tired of being on pause. I'm tired of sleeping till the afternoons are over so I don't have to live through them. I'm tired of avoiding people with jobs cause what the fuck do I say when they ask what I fill my days with.

Do I say that I spent today clearing out the shelf over the fridge and was horrified to find a half eaten foodstuff that was underneath a letter that arrived last August?

So I need something to do. And this, for the moment, is it.

I do read some blogs regularly. I read others less often. I'm neither a writer nor an aspiring one. Don't expect well crafted sentences or anything else that points to me having coherent thoughts.

What I am however is redundant. And that means I have a lot of time.

So I want to share that time with - whoever. I couldn't really give a flying one if anyone ever reads this.

I wouldn't.

If I had a job.

That was then... this is now.

I was made redundant exactly 10 months ago today.

2 more months and I get some kind of card and cake - right?

Hallmark are missing an opportunity there I think.

''1 year already?! hang in there buddy''.

Perhaps with a picture of monkey hanging from a tree.

Or something. I'm sure they have professional card-maker-uppers that would some up with something just as relevant....

Hey - if you're so inclined you could always submit such an idea to Hallmark directly... see here

The realisation... and boy did it hit hard....

So you're at work.

It's not a normal Friday cause it's a bank holiday Friday and you're all excited cause for the first time in ages you have a date set up with a nice guy.

Something to do tonight - yay - you think as you do all your usual Friday at work stuff.

You eat your normal Friday lunch and have your normal Friday post lunch 2 cigarettes.

But then the boss says he wants to have a quick word. So you think he just wants to give you a raise cause after all you have been busting your ass lately and after all you have been doing the work of ten and getting the wage of one.

And then he says it.

We're making you redundant.

Sorry - you're what now? You're making me what? Who said you could make me anything? I like being a slightly overweight 30something smoker thank you very much. Sorry, what was it you're making me again I wasn't really listening there you see I have a date tonight and seriously I have nothing to wear and do you think I should offer to pay for half the meal? I mean I don't want to come accross as a feminist bitch or anything but then I do want him to see that I'm independant in my own righ..... sorry - you're making me what did you say?

Redundant.

So you have 30 minutes to sort out the office that it's taken you 3 long bloody sweaty tearful years to arrange so that it can all be boxed up and sent to HQ.

You have 30 minutes to tell your colleagues - some of whom have become close friends that you are less worthy than them.

You have 30 minutes to get the fuck out of there because someone in accounts looks at a number and puts tippex through it to save the company a few quid.

Only it's wasn't just a number.

It was me.